its been a while

right now i feel lost again like the many times i always have i feel it again its almost like a continual state of being that i have become so accostomed to that it feels just right to be this way, but theres something inside me screaming which does not belong here which is alien to my present behaviour, i dont even know what im writing which is exactly how i feel i dont know what im feeling i dont care anymore. it doesnt feel right any where neither here nor there. there was a time i used to 'belong' i dont any more no where which is wierd as we map our existance through this through belonging by saying this is mine, well nothings mine anymore. i cant stop my thoughts going back to a time which was not so far away but feels like an eternity, and everytime i try being back there i realize things are not the same. that i am the only one still there like i always have and it doesnt matter to those to those who it mattered to the most. who now have something new to look forward to but i keep going back to the past. because being here just doesnt feel right, and no matter how hard i try no matter how much i try to fool my self it just doesnt.

i wish something could be as easy to label as scooters, vacation and fall

and here i am again in a place i omagined i would be happy at last..where i thought i would find the satisfation, peace i have always dreamt off...
and sitting here i realize all my life i have been waiting for this praying for this and i am not enjoying it
im not livning
i owe it to myself...i need to stop living through someone else n start living my own...instead of reading your life story i need to write mine
its always difficult for me its easier to make another happy, no its easier to ease out anothers pain to help them. it makes me feel like im worth something
but do i really need that? i cant do that for me?
i dont know i keep following the same circle seem to be going no where