Monday, March 8, 2010
its been a while
right now i feel lost again like the many times i always have i feel it again its almost like a continual state of being that i have become so accostomed to that it feels just right to be this way, but theres something inside me screaming which does not belong here which is alien to my present behaviour, i dont even know what im writing which is exactly how i feel i dont know what im feeling i dont care anymore. it doesnt feel right any where neither here nor there. there was a time i used to 'belong' i dont any more no where which is wierd as we map our existance through this through belonging by saying this is mine, well nothings mine anymore. i cant stop my thoughts going back to a time which was not so far away but feels like an eternity, and everytime i try being back there i realize things are not the same. that i am the only one still there like i always have and it doesnt matter to those to those who it mattered to the most. who now have something new to look forward to but i keep going back to the past. because being here just doesnt feel right, and no matter how hard i try no matter how much i try to fool my self it just doesnt.
Monday, February 15, 2010
i wish something could be as easy to label as scooters, vacation and fall
and here i am again in a place i omagined i would be happy at last..where i thought i would find the satisfation, peace i have always dreamt off...
and sitting here i realize all my life i have been waiting for this praying for this and i am not enjoying it
im not livning
i owe it to myself...i need to stop living through someone else n start living my own...instead of reading your life story i need to write mine
its always difficult for me its easier to make another happy, no its easier to ease out anothers pain to help them. it makes me feel like im worth something
but do i really need that? i cant do that for me?
i dont know i keep following the same circle seem to be going no where
and sitting here i realize all my life i have been waiting for this praying for this and i am not enjoying it
im not livning
i owe it to myself...i need to stop living through someone else n start living my own...instead of reading your life story i need to write mine
its always difficult for me its easier to make another happy, no its easier to ease out anothers pain to help them. it makes me feel like im worth something
but do i really need that? i cant do that for me?
i dont know i keep following the same circle seem to be going no where
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A stranger in the mirror
“Look at me.” My lungs screamed out even though my heart reached out to her. I dint know how to handle her, whether to be angry or comforting. Leah lay on her bed not looking up; her tears were the only warmth she accepted. My pleas went unheard. Leah was suddenly experiencing and experimenting with a new facet of her life. In the past few months she had changed everything- her clothes, her friends, her thoughts and her life.
Leah and I used to be pretty close. We used to talk for several hours, exhausting topic after topic. Now we hardly spoke, it was just polite conversation I guess, because our perceptions differed so much. Nowadays she stopped confiding in anyone. She kept worrying, hurting inside. She however put a completely different façade in front of others.
She only said, “Go away I don’t want you to go down the same track I did, you wont understand me…no one ever does!”
How do I tell you I care so much, you will never tell me anything will you? Am I to childish, will I not understand, I want to hear
How many times do I have to ask?
I don’t know why it hurts me but it does. You make everything into a joke you can’t laugh about everything.
All I can feel at this moment is frustration. Frustrations building up inside me, because I cant see what she’s doing to herself. Frustration because all I feel like doing right now is just shaking her up and showing her the person she has turned into. A mirror…if only she would not ignore the looking glass I am to her. If only she would know how much it hurts me that she is paining inside, that I can see the fire boiling within her, that I’m still the same. That my shadow walks even without the sun and unquestioningly will follow her too. If only she would say something. Words that will not only help her but also me, she doesn’t know and I might not show but how can I keep still? How do I not react? How do I become indifferent after all this time? After knowing so much?
I try to ignore everything she has said because I know what she really feels. If only she knew…that all she’s looking through is a peephole and that the door still hasn’t opened. That there is so much more to life and that there is so much in store. All the happiness is waiting to be unveiled.
“Look at me.” My lungs screamed out even though my heart reached out to her. I dint know how to handle her, whether to be angry or comforting. Leah lay on her bed not looking up; her tears were the only warmth she accepted. My pleas went unheard. Leah was suddenly experiencing and experimenting with a new facet of her life. In the past few months she had changed everything- her clothes, her friends, her thoughts and her life.
Leah and I used to be pretty close. We used to talk for several hours, exhausting topic after topic. Now we hardly spoke, it was just polite conversation I guess, because our perceptions differed so much. Nowadays she stopped confiding in anyone. She kept worrying, hurting inside. She however put a completely different façade in front of others.
She only said, “Go away I don’t want you to go down the same track I did, you wont understand me…no one ever does!”
How do I tell you I care so much, you will never tell me anything will you? Am I to childish, will I not understand, I want to hear
How many times do I have to ask?
I don’t know why it hurts me but it does. You make everything into a joke you can’t laugh about everything.
All I can feel at this moment is frustration. Frustrations building up inside me, because I cant see what she’s doing to herself. Frustration because all I feel like doing right now is just shaking her up and showing her the person she has turned into. A mirror…if only she would not ignore the looking glass I am to her. If only she would know how much it hurts me that she is paining inside, that I can see the fire boiling within her, that I’m still the same. That my shadow walks even without the sun and unquestioningly will follow her too. If only she would say something. Words that will not only help her but also me, she doesn’t know and I might not show but how can I keep still? How do I not react? How do I become indifferent after all this time? After knowing so much?
I try to ignore everything she has said because I know what she really feels. If only she knew…that all she’s looking through is a peephole and that the door still hasn’t opened. That there is so much more to life and that there is so much in store. All the happiness is waiting to be unveiled.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
it is simple concentrating on things now that i dont have ties. for the first time i feel im living fo myself and not pleasing and getting distracted by anyone. but how long and is this really what i want, i wonder.
when we have strings atttached they become a part of us untill they can not be seperated and when they are cut off they always leave marks.
but these strings help create a life it is from these strings that we are all made. if no one made strings no one would exist.
when we have strings atttached they become a part of us untill they can not be seperated and when they are cut off they always leave marks.
but these strings help create a life it is from these strings that we are all made. if no one made strings no one would exist.
Monday, January 12, 2009
How does darkness sound?
Do you want to hear it…?
It surrounds me, it’s always has
Just come closer
A hint of happiness
A crack of a smile
Burn it, bury it, hide it
Seal it don’t let anyone see it
Don’t smile at me,
It feels like a smirk
Don’t wish for me,
It feels like a spell
Shut your eyes
Don’t watch
Don’t listen
I’m scared
I don’t trust you
I’ve never have
Then why are you letting me in
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